Floundering
by Irlanda Anima
Summary: He had been ignoring it, unable to face what acknowledging it would mean, and instead tried to focus on Atlantis; on what the city and its people needed from him, but he couldn't do that anymore... //Adrift missing scene//


**Author:** Irlanda Anima  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Atlantis or any of the characters and storylines. I am simply using them as a creative outlet and for entertainment purposes.

**Characters/Pairing: **John Sheppard, Ronon Dex, Jennifer Keller, mentions of Rodney McKay and Elizabeth Weir, Sheppard/Weir

**Spoilers:** Minor ones for Season One, Two, and Three, with major ones for First Strike and Adrift  
**Summary**: He had been ignoring it, unable to face what acknowledging it would mean, and instead tried to focus on Atlantis; on what the city and its people needed from him, but he couldn't do that anymore...  
**Warning: **Angst**  
Author's Note:** Just a short one-shot about what might have been running through John's mind when he finally makes it to the infirmary to check up on Elizabeth. Goes with the idea that he and Elizabeth are together, have been for some time, but not everyone (openly) knows that. Hope you enjoy and feedback is much loved. I actually wrote this story awhile back and for some reason it was never posted on . Wonder why?

* * *

Up until the moment that he stepped through the infirmary doors, and even a little bit after that, he hadn't allowed himself to think about Elizabeth. Couldn't afford to do so. If he allowed himself a moment to think about her, the vision he'd seen upon entering the Gate Room would enter his mind and he felt himself begin to shake.

So he hadn't thought about it, hadn't allowed himself to wonder whether or not she was even still alive, focusing all of his attention on the city. With Elizabeth out of the picture, command; though as he'd told McKay he hated to say it, fell to him. Every single man and women within the city was looking towards him for answers and he needed to provide them. He couldn't allow himself to realize that the woman who meant everything to him, who trusted him and believed in him, who was his steady rock in this messed up world they'd found themselves in, was currently fighting for her life in the infirmary.

Rodney hadn't exactly been making that job easy, making decisions without apprising him. He knew that time was of the essence and that there were things that needed to be done quickly, but he needed to know what was going on. He needed to know what he could do to help, anything just to keep the thought of losing her at bay.

This was the first free moment he'd had to come here...well not exactly free, but even though he hadn't allowed himself to think about it, he desperately needed to know how she was doing. He knew he hadn't lost her yet – Keller would have let him know – but the fear was still there, lurking beneath the surface, waiting for a chance to well up and swallow him whole.

But even now that he was here, in the infirmary and faced with the very real possibility that she might very well be gone, he couldn't bring himself to face it yet. He didn't want to face it, wanted to remain ignorant for as long as possible. So when he saw Ronon sitting not to far away from the ICU with an annoyed expression on his face, he made a beeline for the larger man.

"You okay?" he asked, sliding his hands into his back pockets.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Ronon said with a nod, glancing down at the large dressing covering his shoulder. "They got al the glass out."

John looked down at the sheet spread out across Ronon's legs. "Good."

Ronon looked around for a moment. "You need me somewhere?"

John frowned at him, wondering what possessed the man to offer his help given how injured he was, but that was Ronon for you. "Right here, getting better." His tone left no room for argument. He knew Ronon didn't want to be here and would take any excuse to leave, but there was already enough on John's plane that he didn't need to be worry about anyone else that he cared about.

As if hearing his thoughts, Keller suddenly came out of the O.R looking a little startled but not overly surprised to see him there. "Colonel?"

John looked at her with dread, knowing he couldn't put this off anymore, though he wished he could. He didn't think he could handle being told that Elizabeth – there he thought it – wasn't going to make it.

He walked towards her slowly, trying to pier around her into the still open doorway to catch a glimpse of Elizabeth, just to reassure himself that she was still there. Keller put a hand on his shoulder, however, and steered him away from he door...and from everyone else, he noted with dread, towards a couple of computer monitors that have a view into the O.R where the medics were still treating a post-operative Elizabeth. His relief at seeing she was still alive was short lived when he realized how beaten up she was. She looked so incredibly vulnerable with that large bandage being wrapped around her head and he felt his heart twist in his chest.

"Is she okay?" he asked softly, barely even aware of the words leaving his lips. Did he really want to know the answer?

"She's alive," Keller said quietly, but he could tell by her tone that it meant little, "but she's in bad shape." John spared her a glance before turning his eyes back towards the monitors. He could feel himself breaking and he didn't want anyone, least of all Keller to see it.

She began listing Elizabeth's injuries. "She's got six broken ribs, one of which punctured her lung," her voice cracked slightly and out of the corner of his eye he saw her eyes tear up. "Amazingly, she doesn't have any spinal damage...but her head got knocked around pretty good. She's suffering from cerebral oedema, which may have caused substantial brain damage."

Each word spoken was like a knife to his chest and John swallowed hard, the fear welling as he forced himself to ask, "What does all that mean?"

Keller gave him a look that made John wonder if maybe she knew of the exact nature of his relationship with Elizabeth, though the two had done their best to hide it. "Well, it's too early to know for sure," she was trying to reassure him, but it wasn't working, "but if she survives – and I gotta stress the 'if'," John closed his eyes to stop the tears he could feel from falling, "...she'll never be the same Elizabeth again."

He opened his eyes to stare back at the screen, his eyes bright as he tried very hard to ignore exactly what all that meant. He knew that if he allowed himself to acknowledge Keller's words, if he allowed himself to come to the realization that Elizabeth...he'd never get through this.

"I'm sorry," she said softly, squeezing his arm.

John didn't acknowledge her, couldn't, knowing what it was she wanted him to accept, because he couldn't do it. He couldn't give up on Elizabeth, not now, not after everything they had been through and fought for.

Keller cleared her throat, stepping back. "I've gotta get some things and get back in there. We're under-staffed; most of our team's on the Apollo."

His eyes never left Elizabeth's face, but her nodded to show her understood. After a moment, feeling Keller's eyes still on him, he gave her a brief glance before looking back at the screen. He knew, but the way her breathing changed that he'd just given himself away, but he needed to be alone right now. Keller gave his arm one more squeeze and the walked away, leaving him allow with his misery.

He couldn't lose her, but the reality was staring him in the fact. Her shoulder length, chestnut-coloured hair was gone, a large, thick, white bandage in its place. Her eyes, closed, had large bruises beneath them, a clear indication of skull damage. Her lips were cracked and dry around the breathing tube and each breath she took, each rise and fall of her chest, was the only think keep his own heart beating.

He raised a hand slightly to touch the screen, caressing the image of her face. He felt so lost. He was drowning, floundering with her to steady him and he didn't know what to do. How could he run this city without her? How could he go back out there, with all those people looking to him for guidance, for answers, when he had nothing to give them? Everything he was, everything he could be was so wrapped up in her that he knew he if lost her...John Sheppard, as the universe knew him, would cease to exist. Only a shell would remain.

_Please, 'Liz'beth,_ he pleaded in his mind, losing the battle against his tears as he felt them train down his cheeks. _Please come back to me. I can't do this alone. I need you._

He closed his eyes and bowed his head, for the moment ignoring that the city needed him, that his people needed him. For the moment all that existed was Elizabeth and the pain that was slowly creeping into his chest as the reality of losing her settled in. He was nothing without her there to guide him.


End file.
